What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 06:39
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why does an older married man turn bisexual?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He resisted the act ,that day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I have no regrets .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So, i spoilt her more .
I don,t even have a pension.
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ive learnt so much.
It was going to be , some day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I waited trembling.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
She married twice! .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was seconnd youngest,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!